What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 04:33
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
How did you react when your doctor ordered a colonoscopy?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What did i know ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I couldn’t, believe it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do I feel bad when I see white girls dating black guys, am I racist?
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She found it foreign!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I said to her
Which fish tastes good for South Indian curries?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was very sick at this time too.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Would this be the day?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it wasn’t much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were not on the streets..
I was 9 years of age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I write beautiful poetry .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was scared of men, in general
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
Ive learnt so much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .